CRAiMBLED 

Eggs 

LAW U)\ MACKAl-L 

AM) 

•RANCIS R BELLAMY 




Stewart Kidd 

MODERN PLAYS 



FRANK SHAY 



Stewart KidTTtiramatic Anthologies 

Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays 

Edited by • 
FRANK SHAY and PIERRE LOVING 

THIS volume contains FIFTY REPRESENTATIVE ONE-ACT PLAYS 
of the MODERN THEATER, chosen from the dramatic works of con- 
temporary writers all over the world and is the second volume in the 
Stewart Kidd Dramatic Anthologies, the first being European Theories of the 
Drama, by Barrett H. Clark, which has been so enthusiastically received. 

The editors have scrupulously sifted countless plays and have selected the 
best available in English. One-naif the plays have never before been pub- 
lished in book form; thirty-one are no longer available in any other edition. 
The work satisfies a long-felt want for a handy collection of the choicest 
plays produced by the art theaters all over the world. It is a complete reper- 
tory for a little theater, a volume for the study of the modern drama, a rep- 
resentative collection of the world's best short plays. 

CONTENTS 



AUSTRIA 

Schnitzler (Arthur) — ^Literature 
BELGIUM 

Maeterlinck (Maurice)— The Intruder 
BOLIVIA 

More (Federico) — Interlude 
DENMARK 

Wied (Gustave)— Autumn Fires 
FRANCE 

Ancey (George)— M. Lamblin 

Porto-Riche ((ieorges) — Francoiae'a Luck 
GERMANY 

Ettinger (Karl)— Altruiatm 

von Hof mannsthal (Hugo)— Madonna Dia- 
nora 

Wedekind (Frank)— The Tenor 
GREAT BRITAIN 

Bennett (Arnold)— A Good Woman 

Calderon (George) — ^The Little Stone House 

Cannan (Gilbert)— Mary's Wedding 

Dowson (Ernest) — ^The Pierrot of the Min- 
ute. 

EUis (Mra. Havelock)— The Subjectkm 
of Kezia 

Hankin (St. John) — ^The Constant Lover 
INDIA 

Mukerji (Dhan Gopal) — ^The Judgment of 
Indra 
IRELAND 

Gregory (Lady) — ^The Workhouse Ward 
HOLLAND 

Speenhoff (J. H.) — ^Louise 
HUNGARY 

Biro (Lajos) — ^The Grandmother 
ITALY 

Giocosa (Giuseppe)- The Rights of the Soul 
RUSSIA 

Andreyev (Leonid) — ^Love of One's Neigh* 
bor 

TchekoS (Anton) — ^The Boor 



SPAIN 

Benavente (Jadnto)— His Widow's Hus- 
band 
Quintero (Serafin and Joaquin Alvares-) 

— ^A Sunny Morning 
SWEDEN 

Strindberg (August)— The Creditor 
UNITED STATES 

Beach (Lewis)— Brothers 
Cowan (Sada) — In the Morgue 
Crocker (Bosworth) — The Baby Carriage 
Cronyn (George W.)— A Death in Fever 

Flat 
Davies (Mary Carolyn) — ^The Slave with 

Two Faces 
Day (Frederick L.)— The Slump 
Planner (Hildegard) — Mansions 
Glaspell (Susan)— Trifles 
Gerstenberg (Alice)— The Pot Boiler 
Helburn (Theresa)— Enter the Hero 
Hudson (Holland)— The Shepherd in the 

Distance 
Kemp (Harry) — Boccaccio's Untold Tale 
Langner (Lawrence) — Another Way Out 
MacMillan (Mary)— The Shadowed Star 
Millay (Edna St. Vincent)— Aria da Capo 
Moeller (Philip)— Helena's Husband 
O'NeiU (Eugene)— He 
Stevens (Thomas Wood) — The Nursery 

Maid of Heaven ' 

Stevens (Wallace)— Three Travders Watch 

a Sunrise 
Tompkins (Frank G.) — Sham 
Walker (Stuart)— The Medicine Show 
Wellman (Rita)— For All Time 
Wilde (Percival)— The Finger of God 
YIDDISH 
Asch (Sholom)— Night 
Pinski (David) — Forgotten Souls 



Large 8vo, $8$ pages. Net, $$.oo 



Send for Complete Dramatic Catabgue 

STEWART KIDD COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS, - - CINCINNATI. U. S. A. 



STEWART KIDD MODERN PLAYS 

Edited by Frank Shay 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



SteiuaH Kidd Modem Plays 
Edited by FRANK SHAY 

To meet the immensely increased demands of the play-reading public 
and those interested in the modem drama, Stewart Kidd are issuing 
under the general editorship of Frank Shay a series of plays from the pens 
of the world's best contemporary writers. No effort is being spared to 
secure the best work available, and the plays are issued in a form that is 
at once attractive to readers and suited to the needs of the performer 
and producer. Bu^a/o Exjbrew; "Each play is of merit. Each is unlike 
the other. The group furnishes a striking example [of the realistic trend 
of the modern drama.** 

From time to time special announcements will be printed giving com- 
plete lists of the plays. 

SHAM, a Social Satire in One Act. By Frank G. Tompkins. 
Originally produced by Sam Hume, at the Arts and Crafts Theatre, 

Detroit. 
San Francisco Bulletin: "The lines are new and many of them 
are decidedly clever." 
Providence Journal : "An ingenious and merry little one-act play.' 

THE SHEPHERD IN THE DISTANCE, a Pantomime in 
One Act. By Holland Hudson. 
Originally produced by the Washington Square'Players. 
Oakland Tribune: "A pleasing pantomime of the Ancient East." 

MANSIONS, a Play in One Act. By Hildegarde Flanner. 
Originally produced by the Indiana Little Theatre Society. 
Three Arts Magazine : "This thoughtful and well-written play of 
Characters and Ideals has become a favorite with Little Theatres 
and is now available in print." 

HEARTS TO MEND, a Fantasy in One Act. 

By H. A. Over street. 
Originally produced by the Fireside Players. White Plains, N. Y. 
St. Louis Star : "It is a light whimsy and well carried out." 
San Francisco Chronicle: "No one is likely to hear or read it 
without real and legitimate pleasure. " 

SIX WHO PASS WHILE THE LENTILS BOIL. 

By Stuart Walker. 
Originally produced by the Portmanteau [Players at Christodora 

House, New York City. 
Brooklyn Eagle: "Literary without being pedantic, and dramatic 
without being noisy." 

OTHERS TO FOLLOW. Bound in Art Paper. Each, net, .so 



Scrambled Eggs 



A Barnyard Fantasy 



By 
LAWTON MACKALL 

and 

FRANCIS R. BELLAMY 




CINCINNATI 

STEWART KIDD COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 



COPYRIGHT, '1922 

By LAWTON MACKALL 




^ 






AU Rights Reserved 



The professional and amateur stage rights in this play are strictly 
reserved. Application for permission to produce SCRAMBLED 
EGGS should be made to Lawton Mackall. in care of the pub- 
lishers, Stewart Kidd Company. Cincinnati, Ohio 



HDU16 72 



Printed in the United States of America 
The Caxton Press 



©aA686840 



PERSONS OF THE PLAY 

Clarence, a roosts 
Martha, his wife 
Eustace, a dra^ 
Gertrude, his wife 
Phyllis, a fair stranger duck 
Chickens, Turkeys, Ganders, 
Pigeons and Other Inhabit- 
ants OF THE Barnyard 

The costumes suggest, in an inexpensive 
manner, comic ducks and chickens, rather 
than literally feathered fowl. 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 

Scene: A Barnyard. 

On the right can be seen a small chickencoop. 
On the left, almost hidden by huge burdock 
leaves, is a duck's nest. The whole scene is 
drawn to scale to represent the way a barnyard 
would appear to a chicken. In the center is a 
fairly good-sized gray rock. Water troughs, tin 
cans, a cracker box, with large signpost and sign 
complete the list of accessories. When the curtain 
goes up the stage is empty. Then Eustace ap- 
pears, dressed in spectacles and silk hat and 
carrying a huge book labeled ''Reform'' under his 
wing, and dragging behind him a large sign, 
which he solemnly affixes to the signpost, whereupon 
it is seen to read, ''Better Barnyards: Br. Eustace, 
Originator of the Purity for Poultry Movement, 
Will Speak Here at Sunset'' As he does so the 
head of a chicken appears from the bars of the 
chickencoop on the right {Martha) and stares at 
him through a large pair of lorgnettes. Dr. 
Eustace, unaware of this, takes out a large halo 
from his pocket, affixes it to his silk hat, opens his 
book and assumes the attitude of an orator. 



EUSTACE 

Fellow denizens — 

MARTHA 

Eustace — 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



EUSTACE {not noticing her and settling his halo 

more firmly) 

Fellow denizens — 
MARTHA (Jetting down the curtain in front of her 

coop and speaking sharply) 

Eustace! 
EUSTACE {pausing and hiding his halo under his 

wing) 

Ah! A neophyte, no doubt. 

MARTHA 

Your wife left a message for you. 
EUSTACE {looking in the direction of his nest and 
then at Martha) 
What, has she gone? 

MARTHA 

Since early morning. She said you were to be 
sure to sit on the eggs until she comes back. 
EUSTACE {with ruffied dignity) 
I? I? 

MARTHA 

Well, of course, you aren't my husband. My 
Clarence believes the female* s place is on the 
nest. But that's what your wife said. 
EUSTACE {sadly folding his hook and putting his 
halo in his pocket) 
Alas! No reformer should have a family. 

{He starts for his nest and has just drawn aside 
the burdock leaf which leads to it, when enters 
Clarence gallantly following a young chicken. 
A look of horror overspreads Eustace's face as he 
sees the chicken drop a feather and Clarence pick 
it up and rush forward to give it to her.) 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



EUSTACE {coughing) 
Ahem! 

{The chicken^ startled^ goes out, while Clarence 
comes forward sulkily.) 

EUSTACE {turning away sadly from the burdock leaf) 
Clarence, there are some things which I fear 
you and I will never regard in the same light. 
Aside from the fact that you are married, think 
of your position in the community, your obliga- 
tion to set a good example to young peepers. 
How can you forget such things, and carry on 
with other chickens under Martha's very beak? 

CLARENCE {sulkHy) 

Been sitting on your eggs? 
EUSTACE {angrily) 
Certainly not, sir! 

CLARENCE 

Just hesitating on them, I suppose. 
EUSTACE {loftily) 

Clarence, Gertrude and I have the modern 
view. The single standard of morality and 
equal division of responsibility. 

{Enter second chicken^ carelessly from right, 
giving Clarence inviting glances.) 

CLARENCE {aside) 

What elegantly slender drumsticks! 

EUSTACE 

My wife has her responsibilities and I have mine. 
CLARENCE {again aside) 

What irresistible pin feathers! 
9 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



EUSTACE 

Gertrude is Chairman of the Committee on 
Free Puddles for the Public. She is raising a 
fund for the Laying-in Hospital. She is leader 
of the movement for Sex Education for Duck- 
lings on a platform of More Rain. 

CLARENCE 

What a walk! 

EUSTACE 

When I am speaking for better barnyards then 
she is warming our eggs. 

CLARENCE 

Where is she now, then ^ 
EUSTACE (stammering) 
Why, I— I— 

{Clarence^ unable to stand it longer^ follows 
second chicken^ who is now about to go of left.) 

EUSTACE {discovering that Clarence is no longer 

beside him^ and that he is following second 

chicken^ horrified) 

Clarence! 
CLARENCE (tuming and seeing third chicken^ come- 

Her stilly entering right) 

You're right! 

{He picks up the third chicken and goes of in the 
opposite direction as first chicken enters wildly 
from lefty looks around and seeing no one but 
Eustace makes for him. Whereupon Eustace 
rushes to the sign and clasps it to his bosom. 
She pecks at him but he clasps the sign tighter, 
and she shrugs her wings and goes of.) 

10 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



MARTHA (her head appearing again from coop) 

Has anybody here seen Clarence? 
EUSTACE [aside) 

This is terrible. (To Martha) Madam, you 

have my profoundest sympathy. 
MARTHA {firing up) 

What impertinence! 

EUSTACE 

Ah, madam! If only it were! I respect your 
endeavors to shield your husband. 

MARTHA 

Shield him! The best husband in the barn- 
yard, so loving to me — every time I see him. 
With all your guile, you hawk in dove's clothing, 
YOU will never be able to alienate my affections 
from him. 

(She shuts the shutter with a slam as Clarence re- 
enters from right, picking colored feathers from 
his wings and blowing them gaily in the air.) 

EUSTACE 

How can you, Clarence? 

CLARENCE 

It's the easiest thing in the world, my boy. 

EUSTACE 

And to think that before I began my labors, 
you were the leader of the barnyard — You! 
(He swells visibly with indignation,) You, you 
pullet hound. You leering libertine! 
CLARENCE (strutting with pride) 
You said it. 

II 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



EUSTACE 

And you have no shame. You glory in it. 
Four years old and what have you done for the 
barnyard? 

CLARENCE 

You have no delicacy, Eustace. 

EUSTACE 

I state the ugly fact. 
CLARENCE (complacently) 

Well, old topknot, what*s your egg record? 
EUSTACE {terribly) 

Egg record! 

CLARENCE 

Well, pardon my strutting, but a fowl who 
learns from his wife only this morning that six 
eggs — five of them unprecedentedly large — 
grace his nest, may be excused a slight crow! 

EUSTACE {incredulously) 
Six eggs? 

CLARENCE {compluccntly) 
An even half-dozen. 

EUSTACE 

Incredible. All laid this morning? 

CLARENCE 

All this morning. 

EUSTACE 

I never heard of such a thing. 

CLARENCE 

There are lots of things you never heard of. 

EUSTACE 

What a responsibility! Six innocent, unhatched 
chicks. Does not the mere thought stir you to 
emulate my noble ideals? 

12 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



CLARENCE 

Your noble ideals? Why, I wouldn*t trust you 
with a wooden decoy. {As fourth chicken enters 
from right,) Ahem! 

EUSTACE {horrified) 
And yet another! 

CLARENCE {cousoUng him) 

Yes, it's hard. I'd rail too if I were in your fix. 
Forty-nine chickens in the barnyard and only 
one duckess. I don't blame you for your single 
standard stuff. Necessity makes a beautiful 
virtue. 

EUSTACE 

Necessity! Necessity! Sir, if there were a 

thousand bewitching waddlers in the barn- 
yard, I should still support that standard there. 
CLARENCE {us he starts to follow the fourth chicken) 

Yes you would — not! 
MARTHA {as Clarence and fourth chicken get to edge 

of stage) 

Oh, Clarence! 
CLARENCE {stopping and thinking an instant) 

An important business engagement, Martha. 

I shall be back later. {He goes out.) 
EUSTACE {looking worriedly at the standard) 

A virtue of necessity! Sinister thought. 
MARTHA {proudly) 

There's ambition for you. You tortuous worm. 
EUSTACE {clasping his forehead) 

Worm. Ah, a dirty stroke. 
MARTHA {as she turns away from Eustace ^ sees 

Clarence re-entering, still stalking the fourth 

chicken. Horrified) 

13 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



Ah ! {As they leave she rushes out of her coop and 
stands flapping her wings after them,) Oh, the 
speckled hussy ! My Clarence! My dishonored 
eggs! {Weeping) Oh, I beg your pardon, 
Eustace! Forgive me my harsh, unhenly 
words. The things you told me, alas, they are 
only too true. If you ever were a friend of 
mine support me now. {She faints on his bosom,) 

{Enter Gertrude from left,) 

GERTRUDE 

Eustace, a hen upon your wishbone! Martha, 
unwing him at once. 

EUSTACE 

Quick, bring some garlic, some smelling roots. 

GERTRUDE 

Not a root until you explain. 
EUSTACE {holding Martha with melancholy gaze) 

Only the long expected, my dear — Clarence — 
MARTHA {wailing) 

Oh, I saw him ! The speckled hen ! I saw him 

myself! My Clarence! 

{She bursts into sobs and they calm her.) 

GERTRUDE {striding up and down energetically) 

She must get a divorce at once. 
MARTHA {coming to) 

But I couldn't live without Clarence, the only 

rooster in the barnyard. What I want is to 

have him all to myself! 

{Gertrude flaps her wings in disgust and turns 
away.) 

H 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



EUSTACE 

Then you must make him respect you, Martha. 
Make him feel the need of your companionship. 
Share all his interests. {At this instant Clarence 
comes in with fourth chicken but goes hastily out.) 
Go where he goes, do what he does. 
MARTHA {wiping her eyes) 

But what will become of my eggs? 

GERTRUDE 

You must share them fifty-fifty, as Eustace 
and I do. 

MARTHA 

Well, I shall try to be that kind of wife. It will 
be hard at first, but perhaps I shall get used 
to it. For Clarence*s sake I shall try. {She 
goes toward her coop sadly y repeating in lower 
tones) I shall try. {As she closes the coop and 
goes in her voice is a whisper) I shall try. 

GERTRUDE {as Martha closes the coop) 

And without my husband's assistance. {Turn- 
ing to Eustace?) Well, and how long have you 
been off the eggs ? 

EUSTACE {confused) 
Why, I— I— 

GERTRUDE 

Don't duck, Eustace. I shall take their temper- 
ature. 

{She takes out a large thermometer^ pulls aside 
the burdock leaf that leads to the nest at lefty 
stares an instant^ and then gives a blood-curdling 
scream,) 

EUSTACE 

Great seaweed! What has happened? 
15 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



GERTRUDE (wUdly) 

Gone! They are gone! Gone! Gone! {Turning 
to Eustace^ What have you done with our 
poor, unhatched children? 

EUSTACE 

Gone ? 

GERTRUDE 

Vanished, flown, disappeared! {Angrily) While 
you quack empty theories before their neglected 
nest. 
EUSTACE {firing up) 
You mean while you agitate Free Puddles for 
the Public. 

GERTRUDE 

Better than holding strange hens on your 
wishbone. 
EUSTACE {contemptuously) 
Or investigating the Rabbit Warren Under- 
world. 

GERTRUDE 

Rabbit Warrens, never! Only today I drafted 
final plans for the communal incubator, and 
appointed nineteen committees to O. K. them. 
EUSTACE {derisively) 

Communal incubator, hah! When the single 
standard is yet to be settled? {He laughs,) 

GERTRUDE 

Laugh if you will, but you cannot prevent the 
onward march of progress. Perhaps that is 
where your eggs have gone, at this minute! 
Perhaps the communal incubator is a fact 
already ! 
EUSTACE {startled) 
What makes you think that? 
16. 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



GERTRUDE 

Intuition, you stupid. How else would you 
expect me to know it? Ah, it just had to come! 
I have been predicting it all along. 

EUSTACE 

But why should they experiment on your eggs? 

GERTRUDE 

Nonsense! Think what it will mean to them! 
They will be hatched scientifically, eugenically, 
their personalities allowed to expand, and when 
they are grown up they will be free females. 
They will enjoy the happiness of motherhood 
without its drudgery. 

EUSTACE 

If there is a communal incubator. 

GERTRUDE 

If there is! Come, we shall find it now. 

{As they go out at lefty Gertrude catches sight of 
Clarence coming in at rights and whispers to 
Martha in the coop,) 

GERTRUDE 

Now, Martha, here's your chance. 

CLARENCE 

Oh, gosh, what a blonde pullet she was! Oh 

gosh ! And how blonde ! {As Martha looks out) 

Why hello, wifie dear! 
MARTHA {with forced pleasantness) 

Why, how-do-you-do, Clarence? I want to 

have a talk with you. 
CLARENCE {lifting one foot in surprise) 

Huh? 

17 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



MARTHA 

I have been thinking things over very seriously, 
and from now on I intend to be a very different 
kind of wife to you. In the past I have not 
shared your interests as I should have. But 
in future I shall make myself your companion 
in everything. 
CLARENCE {leaning on the coop) 
Well, ril be plucked! 

MARTHA 

I shall be always at your side. Where you go, 

will I go! 
CLARENCE {angrily aside) 

This is Eustace's work. {To his intense surprise y 

a duckling comes from under his coop.) What, 

a duckling from my coop! {He staggers back 

in astonishment.) 
MARTHA {as he does so) 

Wait, Clarence, I feel them hatching. The 

happy moment has arrived. 
CLARENCE {as another duckling and then another 

appears from the coop^ in a savage tone) 

Happy moment! 

MARTHA 

They are all hatching, Clarence. 
CLARENCE {terribly) 

Five ducklings! That is what is hatching! 
MARTHA {looking out for the first time and seeing 

them) 

Dear me! 

CLARENCE 

Dear me! Is that all you have to say, faithless 
wife? Is that all — in the face of five ducks? 
Go, leave my coop forever! Never let me see 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



your beak again, and take your web-footed 
brats with you. 
MARTHA {coming out of the coop) 

Oh, but I am innocent. I swear to you, Clarence. 
I really don't know how it happened. 

CLARENCE 

Ha! do you expect me to believe that, you 
sparrow ? 

MARTHA 

Revile me, peck me, stop loving me if you will, 
but oh, do not drive me away from my nest. 

CLARENCE 

Go! You are not fit to grace the nest of an 
honorable rooster. {He flaps his wings and 
drives her out.) Go! {She takes a step and 
stops.) Go! {This is repeated until she leaves, 
followed by the five ducklings. Then Clarence 
takes a flint out of his pocket and sharpens his 
spurs.) And now for that villain of a drake! 

{Enter Eustace right.) 

EUSTACE {anxiously) 

Can you tell me where the communal incu- 
bator is? 

CLARENCE 

Are you referring to my wife? 
EUSTACE {not hearing and peering around among 
the burdock leaves) 
WeVe searched for it everywhere. 

CLARENCE 

Come out of those burdock leaves, you waddling 
hypocrite. You sleek betrayer! You whited 
sepulchre I 

19 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



EUSTACE 

Why, why, what do you mean ? 
CLARENCE {brandishing his claws) 

Leering libertine, eh! You single-standard 

seducer ! 
EUSTACE {who has given a little jump of surprise^ 

then horror, and finally anger, as the diferent 

epithets are hurled at him) 

Shut your bill, you liar! 

{He throws of his silk hat and rushes at Clarence, 
just as Gertrude from the right, rushes up in back 
of Clarence and honks in his ear, so that he 
swings completely around in his surprise.) 

GERTRUDE 

Stop, you big boob! 
CLARENCE {stopping dead) 
Boob? 

GERTRUDE 

Certainly. Martha never laid those eggs. She 
only hatched them. 
CLARENCE {staggered) 
Hatched them? 

GERTRUDE 

She only sat on them. She would sit on any- 
thing. She was only their hot nurse. Stand 
back, Eustace. Here comes Martha now! 
I'll prove it. I'll make her sit on that stone 
there. 

{Enter Martha weeping, followed by the five 
toddling ducklings in single file.) 

CLARENCE 

Shameless creature with her trail of guilt. 
20 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



GERTRUDE (as Martha passes the rock, pleasantly) 
Pardon me, Martha, but you just dropped an 

egg- 

MARTHA {wiping her eyes^ flustered but grateful) 
Oh, did I? Thank you for telling me. I am 
so bewildered that I hardly know what I am 
doing. Ah, the poor little thing is all cold. 

GERTRUDE {triumphantly) 
You see.^ 

CLARENCE 

Well, ril be fricasseed! 

{At this moment all the inhabitants of the barn- 
yard begin to enter in little couples^ ignoring 
Clarence and bowing to Eustace^ who has gone 
after his silk hat, and is polishing his haloy 
preparatory to putting it on,) 

FIRST GUEST 

Are we a little early? 

SECOND GUEST 

I understood it was to be at sunset. 
{They peer at the sign,) 

CLARENCE 

Get up off that stone, Martha. Don't make 
yourself any more ridiculous than you are 
already. 

MARTHA 

Stone ? {She looks at the stone in intense surprise,) 

CLARENCE 

Rock! 

MARTHA 

But what shall I do? Where shall I go? 

21 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



CLARENCE 

Go? Go any place out of sight, into your coop. 

MARTHA {blissfully) 

Oh, may I ? {She goes into her coop.) 

{More guests are arriving now for the meeting 
of the Better Barnyard Association.) 

THIRD GUEST 

Such a lovely bird. 

FOURTH GUEST 

I love to hear him quack. 
CLARENCE {who has finally succeeded in sweeping 
all the five ducklings out of sights aside) 
Foiled, but not defeated. I'll get that damned 
drake yet. {He goes out.) 

OLD GANDER 

Let's go over here out of this gang of hen folks. 

TURKEY 

Have a chew of spearweed. 

GANDER 

Thanks. Say, I heard a good one the other day 
— There was a young pullet and she had never 
laid an egg — 

{The rest is lost in the shuffle of the crowd as they 
settle in their places. Four pigeons bring in an 
old feed box for a rostrum for Eustace and place a 
battered tin pail which he drinks from and polishes 
his glasses. Two chickens fight with each other 
over a long rubber ^ pulling it until it snaps in the 
face of onCy and until Gertrude finally silences 
everyone in their places. Evening is falling.) 

EUSTACE {taking a drink from the pail, clearing his 
throat, settling his halo, and throwing out his 
chest) 

IT- 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



Denizens of the barnyard, members of the 
Purity for Poultry movement, now that we 
have abolished capital punishment for obesity, 
we come to the matter of the single standard. 
Ah, my fellow denizens! Ah, my dear fellow 
denizens! Only today a most lamentable case — 

TREMENDOUS VOICE OFF STAGE 

Here chick, chick, chick, chick, chick! Here, 
chick, chick, chick! 

{There is a great stir in the assemblage. One or 
two hens leave. Everyone looks nervous^ 

OLD GANDER {fitting on an ear trumpet) 

What's the disturbance? What are they going 
for? 

YOUNG CHICK 

Didn't you hear it. Uncle? Supper call. 

OLD GANDER 

Bless my soul ! {He rushes off faster than anyone 
else.) 
EUSTACE {louder than before) 
Fellow denizens — 

TREMENDOUS VOICE OFF STAGE 

Here, chick, etc. 

{Whole assemblage rushes out, overturning water- 
trough and rostrum.) 

EUSTACE {sadly) 
Thinking only of their craws! Their crops in 
the dust! 

GERTRUDE 

Well, aren't you coming? 

EUSTACE 

I, with my mission ? Never! 

23 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



{Gertrude goes out in disgust. Eustace^ alone 
on the stagey after looking around to see if he is 
observed^ moves the box and suddenly seizes the 
head of a long red worm^ which he fulls from the 
ground until it is nine or ten feet longy whereupon 
it snaps from his mouth back into its hole again, 
and although he rushes to the spot it has vanished.) 

EUSTACE (dolefully) 
Vanity of Vanities. The good-to-eat die young. 
The paths of glory lead but to the gravy! 

{Clarence comes in stealthily from left and sees 
Eustace alone with his head sunk on his chest.) 

CLARENCE 

Sst! Sst! 

{He beckons to someone of stage , whereupon a 
young white duck enters — Phyllis.) 

CLARENCE {aside) 

The only duck in the barnyard, eh! We'll see 

what an extra one will do. 
PHYLLIS {turning to Clarence after a long look at 

Eustace) 

That.? 

CLARENCE 

That's him. Old angel wings. Leader of the 
Purity for Poultry movement. 

PHYLLIS 

Well, the prigger they are the harder they fall. 

{She makes good use of her vanity case for a 
moment^ and then begins to vamp Eustace while 
Clarence takes up his place behind burdocks at 
left.) 

24*1 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



EUSTACE 

As I live, a new duck in the barnyard! A 
golden webbed goddess. Can I believe my 
eyes? How she moves like a queenly galleon! 
What a snowy whiteness! Her paddling feet 
scarce seem to leave the ground. 

CLARENCE 

Oh, boy! 

EUSTACE 

Who are you, fair stranger? {He takes of his 
halo casually as she looks down.) 

PHYLLIS 

I am Phyllis. 

EUSTACE 

What a beautiful name! 

PHYLLIS 

I thought it was when I took it. 

EUSTACE {aside) 
There is a soft rasp in her voice that thrills me 
to the gizzard. {He stuffs the halo into his 
pocket.) Where did you come from ? 

PHYLLIS {sighing) 

I came from a far distant barnyard. 

CLARENCE {from hiding) 

Don't tell him I imported you. 

PHYLLIS 

I was kidnapped. 

EUSTACE 

Kidnapped? But was there no one to defend 
you? 
PHYLLIS {in tears) 
No one. 

EUSTACE 

There, little one, don*t cry, don't cry. 

25 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



CLARENCE {d'lsgusted^ aside) 
The great big simp. 

PHYLLIS 

I was subjected to the most cruel indignities. 
I, who had always been treated with particular 
care! And regaled with special dishes — of 
mush. 

EUSTACE 

Oh, if only I had been there! 

PHYLLIS 

You're very comforting! I was lonely and 
homesick, but your sympathy makes me forget 
everything. Now, I am not even sorry. 
EUSTACE {placing his wing about her) 
Do you really mean it? 

PHYLLIS 

Oh, in that other barnyard there were no other 
drakes as high-minded and chivalrous as you. 

EUSTACE 

But perhaps I am not what you think I am. 

PHYLLIS 

Why, I have heard you spoken of as a great 
leader — almost as a great prophet. 

EUSTACE 

True, and I should fly from the fascination of 
you, but I cannot! You seem to hold me with 
a magic spell. Love! Tempestuous, conven- 
tion-defying love is sweeping me off my webs. 

{He tears down the Better Barnyard sign in the 
ecstasy of his emotion?^ 

CLARENCE 

I didn't know the old bird had it in him. 
26 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



PHYLLIS {as he comes back to embrace her) 
Oh, you must not. 

EUSTACE 

Oh, those wax cherry lips of yours. Phyllis! 



{They embrace^ 

PHYLLIS 

Eustace! 

{Again they ernbrace.) 

CLARENCE 

I seem to be missing something. 

EUSTACE 

But we cannot linger here. We must fly. 

PHYLLIS 

We shall be exiles together, dear. 

EUSTACE 

Ah, my duckie! We shall paddle out on the 
pond of love, side-bone by side-bone. We'll 
seek out some friendly wild, where we may build 
our nest, far from the madding cackle. 

PHYLLIS 

In a land of milkweed and honeysuckle. 

{She takes his watch.) 

EUSTACE 

My nightingale, my dove! 

PHYLLIS 

My kingbird. 

CLARENCE 

My fathead! 

EUSTACE 

A nook of rushes underneath the bough, 

A bug or twain, or toothsome frog, and thou 

27 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



Beside me in the wilderness 

O, Wilderness were Paradise enow! 
CLARENCE {vushing out from the burdock leaves and 

crowing) 

Ur — er — er — er 
EUSTACE {in dismay) 

Discovered. We must fly! 
CLARENCE {driving in the five ducklings from the 

nest) 

Too late, you coop- wrecker ! 

PHYLLIS 

What are these? 

CLARENCE 

His children. Ask Dad — he knows! {To 
Eustace) My Buzzard! 
PHYLLIS {staggering back) 
Your children ! 

EUSTACE 

It*s a lie! I never saw them before! 

{He turns to fly in the other direction y but collides 
with Gertrude.) 

CLARENCE 

Did you ever see her before? 

EUSTACE 

Great Corngiver! My wife! 

PHYLLIS 

Your wife! 

GERTRUDE 

So this is your high mission! 

{Barnyard gathers. Ad lib gossip.) 

PHYLLIS {tauntingly) 

He even denies your children! 
28.. 



SCRAMBLED EGGS 



GERTRUDE 

My children? What! {She looks at the duck- 
lings.) They are found! My lost eggs! Oh 
joy! 
EUSTACE {dismally) 

Say what you will. I go to become a hermit — 

GERTRUDE 

Well, I guess not! You'll stay here and look 
after the ducklings! 

{She leads him by the ear toward the burdock nest, 
while Clarence, whose eye has been caught by a 
brand new chicken, goes over to his coop and pulls 
down the shade,) 

CLARENCE 

As every good drake should! {He puts his 
wing around the new chicken.) It never pays 
to ruffle the only rooster in the barnyard. 

CURTAIN 



29 



Stewart Kidd Plays 

xMASTERPIECES 

OF MODERN SPANISH 

DRAMA 

EDITED, WITH A PREFACE, BY 

BARRETT H. CLARK 

"A volume that will prove of unusual interest to lovers of the 
theatre."— Brooklyn Daily Eagle. 

The collection of plays in this volume has a distinct value, 
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genius of Spain — Echegaray, Galdos and Guimera, the Catalon- 
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THE GREAT GALEOTO, a tragedy, by Jose Echegaray, 
translated by Eleanor Bontecou (presented to the American public 
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"an instance of Echegaray's melodramatic and essentially 

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DANIELA, a tragic drama, by Angel Guimera, translated by 
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poetry of its theme. (It) is of the great order."— The Dial. 

THE DUCHESS OF SAN QUENTIN. a comedy, by 
Benito Pere2-Gald6s, translated by Philip M. Hayden. "Galdos 
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"THE ANGEL INTRUDES", Floyd Dell. 

"BOUND EAST FOR CARDIFF ", Eugene ONeill. 

"THE WIDOWS VEIL ". Alice Rostetter. 

"STRING OF THE SAMISEN ', Rita Wellman. 

"NOT SMART", Wilbur D. Steele. 

Every author, with one exception, has a book or more to his credit. 
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CXXMTEMPORARY ONE-ACT PLAYS OP iQii 

AMERICAN 

Edited by Frank Shay 

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Mirage George M. P. Baird 

Napoleon's Barber Arthur Caesar 

Goat Alley Ernest Howard Culbertson 

Sweet and Twenty Floyd Dell 

Tickless Time Susan Glaspell and George Cram Cook 

The Hero of Santa Maria. . . .Kenneth Sawyer Goodman and 

BcnHecht 

All Gummed Up Harry Wagstaflf Gribble 

Thornpson's Luck Harry Greenwood Grover 

Fata Ucorum Carl W. Guske 

Pearl of Dawn Holland Hudson 

Finders-Keepers George Kelly 

Solomon's Song Harry Kemp 

Matinata Lawrence Langner 

The Conflict Qarice Vallette McCauIey 

Two Slatterns and a King Edna St. Vincent Millay 

Thursday Evening Christopher Morley 

The Dreamy Kid Eugene O'Neill 

Forbidden Fruit George J. Smith 

Jezebel Dorothy Stockbridge 

Sir David Wears a Crown Stuart Walker 

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